I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
