so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
