And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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