somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
