I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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