i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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