I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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