Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
