I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
