I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
