before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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