I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Randomize
