When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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