btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
