Your dad touched me again.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
