God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
