My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
