dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
