Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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