I can feel you judging me through the phone.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
