What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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