Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
