Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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