i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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