just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
