Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
