I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I want to be your penis for a week.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
