did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
