I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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