Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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