you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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