I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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