she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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