I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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