her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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