I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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