His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
