I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
