garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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