The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
