just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
