I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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