Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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