I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
be right there i have to get my cape
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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