got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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