Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
