Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
