I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
