I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
