I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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