i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
