You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
