...so i touched it.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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