She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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