Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
