I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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