Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize