the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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