Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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