Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
