Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
