Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Randomize
